Desperate Ramblings.

It's been nearly 2 years since I posted here, time really flies I guess. This isn't gonna be a nice post, its one for me... to get this darkness off my chest. For those not in the know, I'm a Social Worker and work in the mental health field. I've been in my current position for just over 12 months now and love the work that I do, but hate the agency. I feel so hopeless right now, I'm not eating, not sleeping, not doing any of the things I used to love doing. Basically, I go to work, come home and lock myself away from the world. For those that are into labels, it's a combination of Compassion Fatigue and Burnout. -The two biggest career killers in my field. It's a horrible mind set to be in, but I'm stuck. Without a job, I'm financially fucked. But I can't get past the interview stage, no matter how hard I try. Even writing this I've got tears starting to run down my face. I'm scared, I'm lonely and desperate to get out. This job is killing me. But noone seems to want to listen. I've had enough, but I can't for the life of me find a viable solution to get out. Counselling hasn't worked, supervision is so few and far between it might as well not happen and when it does its all just empty promises anyway. I mean really, how many more red flags do I have to raise? If I had an employee come to me telling me they've started having anxiety attacks and heart palpitations, I'd be dropping everything to find out how best I can support them. Fuck, I've even told them that I've started looking for other jobs and I believe I may have actually used the phrase 'I would rather burn this place to the ground than see it continue to operate'. -Even that didn't get so much as a raised eyebrow. I feel like I have heavy darkness thats attached itself somewhere between my heart and solar plexus. And its getting heavier. Its destroying my soul. There have been times where I've considered giving up on everything (yes, that includes life). Then I remind myself that this is an exception and not the rule. To those reading this, don't worry. I'm not about to attempt suicide. I want to leave behind a legacy of happiness and good will. Not to be remembered as that guy who threw himself under a bus or was found hanging from the rafters. I'm writing this out of desperation. I've exhausted all my other avenues. Noone understands or if they do, there's nothing they can do to help. I don't want to be like this anymore. My one ray of hope right now is a wonderful teacher I've been chatting to online for the last few weeks. We sound fairly similar in all the important areas... and best of all, he prefers to be big spoon. Someone wanna step in and fight this battle for me? Cause I'm too exhausted to go on fighting and I've come too far to back down and settle for the 'St Luke's Way' being the best and only way to operate. What do you do when your senior management team couldn't manage a root in a brothel? Where you work for an agency that hires based on nepotism and the opportunity to train you to follow blindly? To the universe... Please, send me something... Anything! Just help me find a way out and a path to move forward. To everyone else, thanks for reading. Apologies if none of this has made sense, its totally raw and unedited I've just let my fingers dance across the keys. Mark