Miss me?

I don't even remember the last time I actually posted something on here... Years have passed, I've graduated with my Masters in Social Work, I've started earning a decent wage for the first time in my life and despite a couple of bad relationship choices, I've remained relatively unscathed. Except for one part... 3 years ago, almost to the day, my Mum was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. She's had chemotherapy, radiotherapy and what I lovingly refer to as a playground redevelopment (aka they cut out her ovaries and other baby bits). I've developed a very black sense of humour as a coping mechanism over the years and right now its about all I have to stop me crying. Anywhoo... the last 3 years have been a never ending cycle of good news, bad news and not so great news. She's been in remission once for just under 12 months... That was a fun Christmas present let me tell you! The whole time I've been here to support her through anything, I've heard more about vaginas and women's business than a gay man ever be subjected to and had some of the most awkward conversations a child has ever had to have with a parent. But you know, its all been OK. I've somehow managed, but that's all changing rapidly. Today, I arrived at the hospital (Mum checked herself in a week ago while she recovered her latest bout of radiotherapy) and found that last night her Oxygen her dropped to 80%, something which should automatically trigger a Code Blue response of sorts. I should add, I Only found this out because I read through the patient folder at the end of her bed. Took that out to the Nurse in charge and queried some of the stuff that had been written up, especially one page with a clear note to say 'family unavailable for consultation'. I get told off for reading it and told that I have no right to do so *WRONG ANSWER* -I have Medical Power of Attorney, I have every right and besides that I'm her family. You know... the ones that weren't available. This escalated quite quickly into me giving her one hell of a tongue lashing for deciding that a decline in my Mum's health wasn't worth 'inconveniencing' me. Tomorrow begins the big WTF moment when I have myself and my sister as back up. If I get my way, they'll be consulting with me on everything from now on. The worst part though, is that they've asked me to consider signing a Not For Resuscitation Order. -Now, I know what this means and have spoken with Mum at length while she was still 'with it'. -Oh yeah, Cancer has spread to Mum's brain in the last few months. She lost her short term memory and yeah can't make decisions for herself. So today was spent calling family I haven't spoken to in years to tell them that Mum's not doing so well. I can't begin to explain how horrible that is to have to do. Especially when it was my cousin's wedding yesterday and his Mum is now flying halfway across the country to be with Mum tomorrow. And me? Well I don't know... I'm terrified, because only 12 months ago a close friend died from brain cancer. I'm about to have to be the Matriarch, Patriarch, Son, Brother, Decision Maker and Protector of my entire family. I don't know that I'm ready to shoulder that responsibility, but I don't know anyone else who can either. It's a horrible role, but it also feels like the role I waa born to play. But then I'm signing things that will literally decide my own Mother's fate. Even though I know they're her wishes and everything I do is to keep her best interests at heart, I can't shake the feeling that I'm responsible for this. That I'm doing this to protect everyone else, that I can do this one great deed for my Mum and spare everyone else the pain of having to do this. Cancer can eat a dick. And I'll be back to write more, but I'm tired and have a HUGE day ahead of me. So if you're reading this, I apologise for the fractured nature of my writing, its just mirroring my own thought patterns, Still just want someone to hug me and be a convincing enough liar that they can make me believe everything will be OK.