I'm sitting here listening to Gotye's latest musical offering, probably not the best idea for 2am cause its quite emotional and just a touch depressing at times.
Don't get me wrong, beautiful music... just not what I really need to be hearing right now!
I feel totally abandoned right now, my whole family are currently sitting in a plane over the ocean somewhere heading off for their holiday in Thailand.
They've even taken a gay guy with them, granted he's my sister's best mate. But I can't help but feel as though I've been replaced somehow.
I guess this week really is an insight into what the real world is really gonna be like for me.
I started placement yesterday (Monday). Not the best start to the day... Running out the door because I was in a hurry to be all professional and rock up early and what not, only to discover that when I returned home that night noone would be there.
Way to make me feel like shit, a hurried kiss and a 'love you, but gotta go Mum' with a 'Don't worry I'm not there, enjoy your holiday' as I run out the door.
Think a little piece of me died in that moment, because in all honesty, I'd love nothing more than to be jumping on a plane to go on a holiday.
They keep telling me that there's always next time, but for now I'm facing massive parts of my course and the changes that each part of this degree takes you through and I'm doing it all by myself.
It's fine while I'm working, I can deal with whatever gets thrown at me. But this house is so big and lonely when it's just me.
I don't like being alone, it gives me far too much time to think and reflect!
I cried for the first time in months the other night, not entirely sure why, but I guess I don't need to know the exact reason. It felt so alien to feel my tears rolling down my cheeks.
FML, I need a holiday...
Bring on November... Cause the day I finish placement, I'm getting myself royally fucked up and taking some time away from the daily grind.
Don't care where I end up, or who's there beside me at the end of it, but if I don't get a break I'm gonna break. The cracks are beginning to show, but a band-aid will fix them for the moment. I'll re-do the foundations when I have the time to really focus on me.
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I can identify with being "left behind". As I got older, and entered college, holidays became few and far between. I worked fulltime from the time I was a junior (3rd year) and even before that getting time away from school and parttime work was tough. It was worth it, because the career my schooling trained me for gave me the time I wanted after that to spend quality time with the family, and take holiday trips.
ReplyDeleteIt's always darkest just before dawn. Hang in there, guy, you'll make it, and be the better person for it...along with being imminently employable in a great field.
Peace <3
Jay
This is a particularly poignant moment in your transition to adulthood. It has brought home to you that the security of childhood has gone. Of course, it didn't happen all of a sudden. It's just that this has shown it to you all of a sudden.
ReplyDeleteIn many ways, you've been standing on your own two feet for some time. Having them all go away without you just shows you it is so.
But they're still your family. They still love you. And you still love them. And they'll be back.
You don't have to get wasted come November because you're grown up. Just hang in there until the folks get back, and try to keep an even keel.
Oh no... I thought you were going to go with from the previous blogs. Studies are a bitch but the reward at the end is well worth it. Hang in there & there will be a next time. Hey, if the band-aid does not work, there is always poly-filler to smooth out those cracks.
ReplyDeleteTo have a good cry is a good way to relieve stress. So go ahead even if you don't know why you are crying, although it can be detrimental if you recently applied filler to those cracks :)
Oh & come November, were ever you go, make sure there is a red carpet to the entrance (otherwise it is not Royal)
Stay well
Oh come on Nelo, pull yourself up, you know you can do this without failing and cracking up. Try to change the mind set instead of being all down without everything like the whole FML meh thing and turn that frown upside down.
ReplyDeleteYou can't go on holiday right now because you are building a future life ahead of you. You can use the house to do anything you want with nothing and no-one to get in the way. You can, if you choose play your tunes a load louder. Make the most of the freedom, the space and indeed the peace. There are plenty of time for holidays later. Turn the negative feelings into positive ones.