ARGH! WTF is wrong with me?
I finally have a sweet guy chasing after me, willing to do anything for me and what do I do?
Share a most intimate moment with him and then run for the hills.
Why do I do this?
Yes, I've probably rushed this a bit because I wanted to make him happy. But I can't stop myself from finding faults with him rather than focusing on the bits that make me happy.
Yes, he has massive self confidence issues... Yes, he has a problem with his memory.
Hell, he's not even as intelligent as I originally thought he was. But in the grand scheme of things, does any of that really matter?
I feel like the biggest prick in the world, but I also feel like both of us are trying to force this whole relationship thing.
I don't think I can be who he wants me to be, I'm not 'boyfriend' material. I hurt people without meaning to, I shut them out because... well I'm not entirely sure.
I get them to fall in love with me, but can never manage to reciprocate the feelings they show me. Have I just not found Mr Right yet? Or am I just doomed to wander the Earth leaving behind me a string of failed relationships and broken hearts?
I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him goodbye today, instead opting for a pathetic kiss on the cheek :(
Someone make it better... cause everyone else seems to think I'm awesome. But all I see is damaged goods.
Why is it that I can help everyone else see the beauty within themselves, but I hide behind outrageous hair colours, piercings and clothing?
Someone once said that all the world is a stage, I think they were right... So when do I get to see the final curtain close, to take a bow, stop acting and just be myself for once.
The artist told me last night that the reason he likes me is because I make him feel like he can be himself around me. I wish I could do the same...
Maybe I should stop writing on here and tell him all of this instead, I don't want to run and hide but it feels like my only option sometimes.
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You are asking yourself some very good questions here. Let me add one more, to follow up on the bit where you say you "hide behind outrageous hair colours, piercings and clothing". What do you think people would see if you weren't hiding behind those things? What is it that you are hiding from them? (That's not two questions. It's one expressed in different words.)
ReplyDeleteWhatever is the first thing that popped into your mind is probably the true answer.
Now I've got more to follow on. Is what you're hiding true? If so, is it something that you really need to hide? If it's not true, whatever made you think it is, so that you feel the need to hide it?
And does what you said about hurting people really mean you're not boyfriend material, or is sabotaging relationships one more defense mechanism to keep people from learning "the awful truth" which you believe about yourself?
Could there be an expectation of rejection which you avoid by never letting thing develop to the point that someone could reject you?
Anyway, I think you have done well to notice that you've got an unsatisfactory pattern of behavior going on. Some form of counseling or therapy (I'm keen on group therapy) might help you sort through it and get beyond it.
But whether or not you get outside help for it, I think it would make sense to try to break the pattern. The moment you see yourself starting to run for the hills or to do something which might be hurtful or to shut someone out or to be someone other than yourself — stop, and try to handle the situation differently.
One last thing. You've spoken of behavior which gets in the way of what you would like to have in life. But the behavior is not the whole of who you are. You are still a lovable person.
What am I trying to hide? Honestly, the first thought that popped into my head was... Me. I have this strange fear of people taking notice of me, so I hide myself by standing out in the crowd. Classic middle child stuff really, I've spent so long living in the shadows of my siblings that I tend to freak when I have a chance to bathe in the spotlight.
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right about the therapy side of things, but I'm not ready to take that step quite yet.
The more I try and analyse this whole situation, the more answers I come up with. To be honest, I don't think the Artist and I was ever meant to be. I think I just got caught up in the moment of having someone to snuggle up with. Rushing into it didn't help either, had I of waited a week... I would've figured out that he can't give me what I need, a challenge...
And I don't mean that by means of playing hard to get. More that I need someone to challenge my opinions and behaviours rather than just go along with it. In other words, I need someone with a fair sense of intelligence as well as a strong sense of self.
I'll find what I need one day... But for now, I think I just need to stop selling myself short and then feeling sorry for myself when I do!