Choose Your Own Adventure...

Here I stand, balanced precariously on the edge of a knife.
One wrong step, one falter in balance and a cut so deep it may never heal shall be mine to bear...

Life for me right now is like one of those choose your own adventure books, only I don't have the luxury to flip through the pages to see where I'll end up following the choices I make.

One path, leads to Mr J.
The risk? Me hurting him...
Why? Because of my own stupid insecurities.
Ever since Russell, I've been striving to find something I lost along with him.
My eternal sense of optimism, my ability to forgive the unforgivable, my innocence...
Every relationship since him that I've entered I've done so not out of love, but in the hopes that I can give something to them that was never shown to me.
Truth be told, I'm scared shitless that I'm doing the same thing with Mr J.
Don't get me wrong, I love the boy to bits...
His playfulness, his smile, his sparkling eyes which show both happiness and pain, his intelligence, his maturity, his sense of what is right and wrong.

So why can't I seal the deal? What's stopping me from asking that one little question?
There's no simple answer for that I'm afraid, just a sense of never wanting to inflict the pain that was once shown to me by someone who said he loved me.
I've broken many many hearts in my time, some out of pure spite, others accidentally.
It's not something I'm proud of and its not something I ever want to do again.

Which brings me to my next option in my Choose Your Own Adventure...
Turn my back on love, not really much of an option. But at least I'd never hurt anyone except perhaps for myself.
I don't think I could ever willfully choose a life of meaningless sex and turning my back on anyone who showed me so much as a glimmer of affection though.
After all, who wants to die a bitter, lonely old man?

So I guess the question arising from all of this is, how exactly does one overcome the horrors of my past?
I thought I had earlier this year with LX, but it seems all I really managed to do was be played for the fool I am and to make a complete dick out of myself in the process.

And now, the opportunity presents itself once again. I have the sweetest boy chasing after me and I'm to afraid that I might break his heart to act on my own feelings.
Even now, the closer he gets to me I find myself finding reasons to push him away.

Maybe for once, I shouldn't be writing this down but instead telling him...
I'd like to show Mr J this blog, but I don't think I have the balls to do that right now. Nor do I think it would accomplish anything much.
After all, it was created as a means of communication with someone I haven't spoken to in months whom I've lost all contact with. Seems kind of redundant showing it to someone else seeing as it's original meaning was such a spectacular failure.

URGH! So many questions, so few answers.
Why doesn't life come with instructions?

Addit:-
So I've put much thought into this... I'm really not as fucked up as I make it sound.
Promise!
I'm heading back to Melbourne tomorrow, with a quick stop at Mr J's on the way for a cuddle or two :)
I'm gonna lay it out and tell him that at some point I have every intention of dating him, just not right now. God only knows I need to sow some wild oats and let out a few years of pent up frustrations before I let someone else into my life again. I've had enough disastrous relationships.
The next guy that I bare my soul to will have to be something extraordinarily special. And you know what, given time... I think Mr J might just fit that bill :)

Once I get home, I'm gonna text LX. Not to start shit, just to say Hi, that I've finally moved to Melbourne and to thank him for giving me the courage to finally do something for myself.
And you know what, I honestly don't care if I get a reply or not (I'm guessing I won't). I don't care if it drags up shit from the past for him. Fuck only knows he deserves to feel a little guilty for fucking me round the way he did. The last I heard from him he told me I didn't want to be 'just friends' -At the time, he was probably right. A lucky guess really, because he never once stopped to ask how I felt. It was always about him, and stupidly I let it stay that way.

It's high time I stopped worrying about how I'm gonna make people feel and started to do what I need to for me.

So wish me luck campers, cause it's gonna be one hell of a week!