And so the time has come for me to make my dreaded trip back to Mum's for another week.
Had an awesome afternoon with Brat just talking shit, god how I wish I had more time for such frivolities.
Tried ringing my grandma today... it would appear her phone is off. I rather hope that just means she's taking some time out from our technology dependent world rather than taking time out from the world itself in a much more permanent way.
But truth be told, I'm only worried because it means the possibility of playing happy families at a funeral. Putting on that fake facade and making out like I actually care about the side of the family that sees me as little more than the dirty little secret that chose a hard and sorry life for himself.
I don't know why I do it sometimes... care that is...
I really wish there was a little switch I could just flip at a moments noticed and turn it off.
So I wouldn't care that another member of my family has died or that I have to see the side of my family that I long since left behind.
So I wouldn't care that a guy who once told me how much he liked me and wanted to be more than just a friend could turn and shut me out in such a cold manner.
Still, I have an awesome weekend ahead of me. I get to see Casey, I get to work with Mo Mo and bring her the little present I have prepared for her.
Maybe its just cause once again I'm feeling a little lost and lonely, but perhaps I made a decision about Mr J a little too soon...
Some little part of me is telling me that maybe, just maybe I'll find something in his kiss that can't be shown any other way. But then I get the feeling that's just me being a nice guy and that I'm just so over trying to find someone who's not going to fuck me over in a hurry that I've become willing to settle for second best.
Or perhaps I'm just setting my sights to high to begin with.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care, but then I wouldn't be the person I am if I had that ability. Hell... I don't think I'd even be human.
So I guess the question I need to seek the answer to is not how to stop caring, but more how to care in a manner that doesn't end up keeping me awake at night.
Maybe I just need a GPS installed in my life so I don't feel so lost all the time...
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Moi non plus…
ReplyDeleteSo I'll just say I hope it all goes well, and that you are right that it's good that you care, even if it hurts sometimes.
*hugs*
word verification: pueri, which is Latin for "boys"
I've got a broken compass in my bedside drawer, I look at it when I feel lost, kinda helps, although it's a good job I'm not lost in the real world as North points to the sea, and as I live on the South Coast the sea is south!!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, if the worst has happened with Grammy, you could always not go to the funeral! I know shock horror, but why put your self up for abuse and snide comments and that kinda thing. You can pay your respects some other time, just you and her!
Oh and care, well you do, aint not getting away from that fact, it's what makes you a lovely, kind and throughly nice person (Even if you do like adding extra holes to your personage!) They day you give up caring is the day I come over with my size 15's on to give you a real kick up the arse!!!!!
xxx