The masks we wear...

How very ironic that I've just finished watching an episode of Gossip Girl about a Masquerade Ball.
And here I am blogging about the masks we wear...

Today was perhaps the most important day of my life thus far, the gateway to my future was opened, I walked through it and then stumbled on the first step.

I nearly didn't make it to my interview this morning, after busting my arse off at a job that I've grown to hate, I hit snooze and if it wasn't for Mum dropping something off to me I would've been sound asleep instead of being where I was supposed to be.

But I made it there... I looked the part, actually I looked fucking amazing.
I even took out a few piercings so that I looked more like a corporate stiff than a social worker.

The interview went for over an hour, which I suppose is rather promising (especially considering I was only answering 5 questions). But I know in my heart of hearts that I stumbled over a few of the questions they asked, and on reflection, I probably didn't answer them exactly how I would've liked to.

I don't know if I'm just being overly critical of myself, but I'm just not feeling all that confident about things right now...

So onto the post-interview whirlwind. I called up to the hospital to return a few of the props I'd 'borrowed' for the day and to see my Mum. She was so proud of me, there I was in all my finery and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm less than impressed with my efforts.
Instead, I told her a half truth, that I think my chances are fairly good, that they were calling my references this afternoon and that I'd know the outcome by the end of the week.

In short, I wore my own little mask... the one I've worn so well for many many years.
My mask of happiness, the one that tells everyone that I'm fine when in reality I'm really not.

As I write this, there is a single tear sitting in the corner of my right eye trying to escape but I'm determined to keep it there.

I really just don't know how I should feel right now.
It's probably just the stress of the last week and knowing that its over for the moment.
It's probably just the fact that I have to play the waiting game to find out if I get my dream job.
It's probably just me being my own worst critic.

Screw it, whats the point of doubting myself? I'm gonna get this job... So bring on Friday when I get that phone call to ask when I can start!



In other news, I got a text out of the blue from one of my little brother's friends last night inviting me to go to Stereosonic (a one day music festival) with him in December. I haven't seen this particular friend since we parted ways on NYE, in fact I've barely spoken to him since then...
But that one little text brought back some rather wonderful memories of that magical night, and even a couple of sad ones.
For those playing along at home, NYE 09/10 I went to Melbourne with him, got off my nut, had the best night I've had in god only knows how long and ended the night meeting LX. -So you can see where the happy and sad parts come into that.

Anyways, as it turns out little bro's mate (lets call him D) has been having a bit of a shitty time of late. -He didn't give me details, so I didn't push the point. Just let him know that I'm here if he ever wants to talk.
Strangely, I was talking to little bro this afternoon about D and he was telling me that D has stopped talking to all of them.
I'm sure its just D being D and dealing with his own shit the best way he knows how to, but I have a niggling feeling that there's something much bigger brewing beneath the surface.

A few months ago, little bro and another of his mates hit me up as to whether or not I thought D was gay. Truth is, I wouldn't be at all surprised. But I defended his right to privacy and denied it with great tact.

Now I wonder though, I haven't spoken to him in months... and suddenly after cutting contact with all his close friends, he begins to make contact with me again.
I'm thinking its all just a coincidence, but there's that nagging little feeling that perhaps all isn't quite as it seems.

So here's to the masks we wear, to showing others what we want them to see. But most importantly, to those who take the time to look beyond them to see what's truly there.

Now to play the waiting game, to keep my fingers crossed and hope that I get this job!

xo xo Nelo