IDAHO

So it's International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO) next Monday... And everyone around here seems to be taking part.

I figured it might be a nice chance to share my story.
Many people have heard my experiences before, this is what happens when you're invited to speak about it at 2 conferences in Melbourne, I've even spoken to some of Victoria's court workers about my experiences of being gay and my experience of applying for an intervention order.
As well as this, I've spoken to a students at various schools around the state and even in a couple of university tutorials.
So when I say many people have heard this story... I mean it.
Quite a powerful little experience btw, sharing one's inner most thoughts about an extremely personal period of time with a room full of strangers...

Anyways... let me start by painting a brief picture.

I grew up (and I use that term loosely) in a small town with a population of about 1,500 people.
My Dad was the sole Policeman in town and my Mum was well known from her sporting accolades on the golf course and her involvement with the hospital.
So in short, we were celebrities in town... people knew what we'd had for breakfast before I did.
As a kid I was placed on an impossibly high pedestal and forced to be a model child.
In Primary School, things were all sweet. I was one of the most popular kids in the school, I had a girlfriend and did everything that was expected of me.
High School changed all of that though...

The most prominent memory of my realisation that I was a little 'different' was my Year 7 (first year of high school) Health class. Our teacher got us to write down our opinion of the opposite sex over the years, everyone else had answers which went from Girls had cooties to girls are the best thing since sliced bread.
My answers? Girls make good friends...

Through out my high school years, I was bullied something shocking. Not a day went past where I didn't get called a fagot or something worse and shoved around. The worst thing was being punched in the back by a guy who had sewing needles placed between each of his knuckles.
I learned quite quickly that the teacher's didn't really care, if ever I spoke up I was usually just told that 'such and such would never do something like that' or to just sit down.

By the end of year 7 I had gone from being a bright and bubbly kid, to someone who was isolated and withdrawn from my peers.
Mum and Dad transferred me to the Christian private school in town in the hopes that things would get better for me... they were wrong. But I couldn't let them know that.
It was the same stuff, just with different faces.
Still, I managed to make a few friends... and apparently a few more enemies. One guy actually went so far as to stand on my glasses, snapping them in two.
This one wasn't quite so easily hidden from Mum and the next day she dragged me into the principal's office to complain. -I was petrified of what the ramifications of this would be and eventually managed to talk down the entire situation and told them that it was an accident.

This continued throughout my high school years, in year 10 I actually went so far as to attempt suicide. I had a noose around my neck and everything... what stopped me? the thought of my family walking outside to find my lifeless body hanging from the shed roof.
A few days later, I confided in who I thought was my closest friend what I'd done. His response? Why didn't you? (I've never told anyone that part)

Year 11 saw another transfer... back to the senior campus of my first high school so I could complete my VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education - the all important piece of paper that lets you go to uni) with the classes I wanted to take.
-All of this merely because my peers THOUGHT I was gay, I'd hate to think of what would've happened if they knew the truth!

By this time, I was well aware of the fact that I was gay. I just didn't want to admit it... Not to myself, nor to anyone else.
My first day of year 11 saw me break down in tears as I was about to walk out the front door to catch the bus. I didn't want to face the bullies from my early high school years. But Mum made me go regardless, I suppose it was for the best really.

Things had changed slightly... people had grown up. I was still ostracised by my peers for being a 'faggot' and still copped the occasional beating as a result. But I had friends to offset that. I even managed to keep up with everyone's stories about having sex, despite the fact that I'd made a pact to myself that I wouldn't loose my virginity until I'd figured out the ever raging battle going on inside me.

Meanwhile, the entire time I was waging war with myself internally... I didn't want to be gay. I had to be perfect, what would my parents think? How could they hold their heads high within the community knowing that their first born son was a deviant?
So much confusion... so much self hate...
Noone seemed to understand me, or at least didn't want to take the time to ask...

At the end of year 12, I moved to Melbourne for a few years. And for the first time in my life, it didn't seem to matter who I was or what my preference in sexual partners was either (not that I was having sex then).

It wasn't until a couple of years later when I was living back in Ballarat and studying Nursing that I finally came to accept who I was and utter that life changing phrase for the first time... As my friend was leaving my house I blurted out to her 'I think I'm bi'. -Not entirely true, but I wasn't quite ready to tell the world I was gay.
Meaghan's response was merely a hug and a thank you...

It wasn't until November 2005 that I told my parents. Or rather they told me... but that story is already in my earlier blogs, so I won't bother re-hashing it.

These days, things are pretty good. Noone calls me fagot anymore, well not in a derogatory manner to my face at least.
The hellish days I faced in High school are a thing of the past, sure they've impacted on my life. But I think I've turned it into a positive more than anything.

So here's to IDAHO, to making people aware of the draconian beliefs of a hetero-centric society. To saying 'NO' to homophobia.



Live proud... cause the closet is a lonely place to hide.