Burying the Hatchet

I feel so low and more than a little bit lost at the moment...
This week has just been a wee bit crappy and I'm just not sure what I should do.

My grandma went into hospital the other day...
Now I have to go and see her.
I'm shitting bricks, because this means swallowing my pride and burying the hatchet.
See I haven't seen or spoken to any of my Dad's side of the family (other than the occasional comment on a coupe of my cousins' facebook statuses) since my grandpa's funeral 3yrs ago -and probably saw them once or twice in the 5yrs prior to that!
The last time I spoke to grandma was the main reason for this...
We were talking with each other and after about 5mins of conversation she suddenly realises who I was (it's ok, not even my Dad recognised me to begin with).
What got to me was as soon as she did figure it out, she told me how sorry she felt for me having found out about the sad and lonely lifestyle I've chosen to lead. She also told me that I need to be careful I don't catch AIDS like my Auntie's (read wife of her golden child) brother did.
I've never been so insulted in all my life, I don't think she meant to be such a condescending bitch about it. But I saw red and pointed out that who I am isn't a choice, that not all gay guys get AIDS and that if anyone chose a sad and lonely life for themselves it was her.
Afterall, she was the one who remained married to a controlling and abusive alcoholic until the day he died.
I don't even know what her response was, I walked out of the service and drove home.

The rest of them... well they only ever really get in contact if they want something from you.

But anyways, Dad rang me the other night to tell me that Gran is now going to undergo major liver surgery. Initially, I honestly didn't care.
But I could hear the concern in my Dad's voice, he's scared he's about to loose his Mum (though he'd never actually admit to that). So I agreed to let him know if I could find time to go down and see her.
I got to thinking and realised that this isn't just about me, not to mention that I would never forgive myself if the last words I'd ever said to my grandmother were basically telling her to go fuck herself.

So I texted Dad on Tuesday and asked when he was going back down to see her (half hoping it was while I was at uni, so I had a valid reason not to go).
Having not heard back, I rang him this afternoon...

So now, tomorrow I'm going to Melbourne... with Dad... to see my Grandma... and the rest of Dad's family...
I'm still not sure if I really want to do this, but I know its the right thing to do.
I can do this, I think... It doesn't matter that I think she's a horrible person for the things she's done to Mum, me or my two siblings in the past.
It'll make Dad happy, and it may very well be that last time I get to see her alive. I want to leave on better terms than the last time we met...

Other than that, I'm still sick and can't quite seem to shake this niggling cough.
I've put on a couple of kilos (well, 1.5) which I get the feeling I'm about to loose due to stress so I've been making sure to shove as much food into my system as humanly possible!

Uni is pissing me off, or rather a particular few people in my class. WHEN WILL YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD PEOPLE, SOCIAL WORK IS ALL ABOUT GREY! BLACK AND WHITE ANSWERS DO NOT EXIST! And I swear, if I have to ever do group assignments again it will be too soon! I'm so over relying on others to pull of a good mark when they either clearly don't give a fuck or are just stupid (I swear, if I don't get good enough marks to transfer heads will roll).

I really just want someone to give me a hug right now... Just to let me know that I'm doing the right thing, that things will work out in the end.
Oh and if said person could bring me some more Cold and Flu tablets, that'd be awesome :)