I shouldn't feel this way, I barely know him... Why now? Why him?
This isn't me, this doesn't happen to me.
I'm not a needy person, I don't get attached easily.
I guard myself and keep people out, so how did he manage to get so far in?
I want to be friends, but I keep fucking that up.
Maybe I just need to walk away to leave him be, to say goodbye...
Why must I turn every little thing into something so intense and dramatic?
FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY EMOTIONS, FUCK THIS WHOLE STUPID SITUATION IN ITS ANUS HOLE.
Dunno if you'll read this... but I'm gonna leave you be. That last thing you need is me getting all up in your grill.
I love you to bits, but this is all just a bit much for me right now.
All I ever wanted was the chance to get to know you, and I somehow managed to fuck that one up too.
You know how to find me if you want to.
Au revoir mon amis... Je suis désolé...
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Your lines, "I love you to bits," and, "All I ever wanted was the chance to get to know you," are so poignant. I can understand how you feel, because I've been there, or somewhere very close.
ReplyDeleteApparently you're more "needy" than you think. There is nothing wrong with that. IMO it's a good thing to want intimate friendships.
Rather than walking away altogether, maybe you should try to scale back the intensity. It is hard to do when your feelings are strong, and even more so when you feel you are in danger of losing someone and you have to keep the contact going. But this may be one of those situations where the more frequent the contact you initiate, the less comfortable the other person is with you, because he feels pressured.
I hope whoever it is will not reject you completely, and that you can have the patience to let the friendship exist (and hopefully grow) at a level he is comfortable with.
And I hope you'll continue to blog, because I like reading about what is going on with you.
I hope the friendship continues, but a little time and space is needed now.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep blogging, the next few are gonna be pretty messed up though. I just found out my grandma went into hospital...
So God only knows what's in store for me over the next week!
But heads up, if I'm not writing here don't stress... I'm alive and well just busy dealing with family and shit.
Shoulder punch.
ReplyDeleteYou know, every step of the way, I am with you, if you want me to be.
ReplyDeleteOk, a week is long enough.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I found myself in a situation with someone else where I was in a relationship without knowing it. Apparently this means I give the wrong messages or whatever, but this isn't about that as such.
You know exactly which SMS it was that freaked me out.
And that date you had organised... you cancelled it.
You say 'friendship' and that's fine, more than fine, I would love that... but I don't think that's what you want.
I am really looking forward to the day you post about your next 'date night'.
You know what, just forget it. Forget all of it.
ReplyDeleteThe present I bought you was a Spider with Red Shoes. Something to make you laugh...
It was a last ditch effort at trying to be your friend.
The date I cancelled because he called me one night from Wet on Wellington... yup, really wanna go on a date with a guy who goes to sex clubs and thinks its a good idea to call me from one.
I wanted to talk to you face to face to say goodbye and to explain how I was feeling. Nothing more.
I asked for your address so I could send you a letter saying the same thing.
But you shut me out and left this as the only means of viable communication between us hence this fucked up post. I've never been good with writing how I feel, hence why I wanted to be there to explain it.
I'm looking forward to posting about my next date too. Unfortunately, they're few and far between out here in the middle of no where. And I'm a little busy these days to be travelling to Melbourne just for dinner.
And yes, you do give very mixed messages... To the point where I'm not even sure you know what you want anymore.
One gets a kind of helpless feeling here, observing two people, who have some sort of feelings for each other (probably not equivalent or symmetrical), who don't seem to be able to get past the differences and misunderstandings to a satisfactory accommodation.
ReplyDeleteNelo, you want friendship, but you want it very strongly. It feels to me as if it is similar to the way I wanted friendship with only a limited number of people. In my case, since celibacy was already my firm choice, there was no question of wanting a sexual relationship. But the friendship I wanted was one in which we would spend a lot of time together, be best friends. I could even imagine living with them. It seems to me that your feelings for him are very strong, even if you don't want sexual activity with him.
So I doubt that you really want him just to forget it.
You may have hit on the key when you said, "And I'm a little busy these days to be travelling to Melbourne just for dinner." Moving to Melbourne will certainly give you and him new possibilities. I suppose you have hoped he'd want to have dinner or otherwise spend time with you once you're there. Maybe he will. Maybe he won't. You and he probably won't know for sure until you get there. Meanwhile, it probably makes sense for you to remind yourself that things might be different once you're there. And if you're right that he doesn't really know what he wants, that may only become clear to him — and you — once you are there. So you should realize that the possibilities for friendship once you get there range from best friends for life to nothing at all. But now is probably not the best time to look for a definite answer.
So for now, I think it's wise not to try to settle definitively where you stand with each other, unless your move to Melbourne depends on knowing that you'll be friends. It's even possible that as time goes by you'll decide that you really don't want to have him as a friend after all. So at this point you'd probably do well to lower the volume and give yourselves time to see how your feelings develop.
*hugs*