So it's all a lie... one great big fucking lie.
I'm not happy, I'm miserable.
I cried myself to sleep last night, and skipped uni the last two days because I couldn't deal with the thought of being there.
I'm scared... and I feel so alone... Like there's noone in the world who will ever understand me.
The one person I felt like I could talk about anything with, I fucked off.
He's too busy with his new life anyways, I guess I was just a confidence builder...
Fuck it, time for some bare naked honesty.
Melbourne:
Scares the fuck out of me, I've built it up to be so much. But now I'm scared that I won't be able to make it happen. What happens then? Just another broken dream?
I'm scared that I won't 'make it' while I'm there, that the city will eat me up and I'll become yet another soul-less zombie, a face in the crowd.
Yet at the same time, it's my beacon of hope. A new life, a new beginning...
Love:
Seems to be the ultimate joke (at my expense).
One day I'll find it, but today is not that day.
Emotions:
Since Russell, I've had to learn everything all over again. I literally forgot how to feel anything while I was with him and for some time afterwards.
It's strange considering I'm somewhat empathic. I can sense emotions in others and know how they're feeling. Yet I can't tell exactly what I'm feeling most of the time...
I used to make others happy just so I could feel it. How fucked up is that? I was an emotional vampire...
Work:
I love it, because for however long I'm in the kitchen I get to forget about the rest of the world. All that matters is the food. Food doesn't care that you feel sad or scared, it feels only the heat that you cook it with...
It's the one element of my life that doesn't seem to be spiralling out of control at the moment. It's also paying for my ticket out of this hell hole :)
Uni:
I'm scared that I'm gonna fail, skipping class is what I did last year and while I was doing Nursing too. And look how well that all turned out.
I want to pass, it means so much to me to do this. I want to do this! It's my time to shine, but I put so much pressure on myself to achieve that I ultimately fall short and hate myself for it.
I miss Steph... She knows my boundaries. She knows that even though I say I'm fine, I'm not... I just don't want to talk about it yet. And best of all, she knows when I just want a hug and someone to tell me that I'll be OK.
Home:
What's that? I have a house... which I reside in... but its not a home. It's just a cold empty shell where I'm made to feel pathetic and unwelcome.
Mum doesn't seem to care about me, just that my room is clean. She's so wound up in making everyone else happy that she doesn't notice how miserable she makes me.
Paints a rather bleak picture doesn't it...
Happiness:
My friends... they mean the world to me. As the old saying goes 'Friends are the family you choose for yourself'. But that said, there's only really 2 people close by that I would consider my close friends. The rest are scattered all over the world. I wish I could be in Canada right now with Daniel. Now there's one friend that I miss dearly... He was my first boyfriend, the only ex-partner of mine I willingly talk to.
I haven't seen him since he left nearly 3 years ago and yet whenever we talk it's like he's right there with me and no time has passed at all.
I've been fixing up Mum's garden a lot of late... I made her a Herb garden because she's been going on about having one for ages now. The rest of her garden is coming along well. All the other plants I planted while she was in Queensland are growing beautifully and some are even coming into flower. There's something quite magical about putting something in soil and tending to it, even more so when you're repaid for your time and effort with beautiful flowers and heavenly scents.
You know, even though life seems shit at the moment. I'll always find something to smile at. It's who I am...
Maybe I need to just stop trying to move entire mountains all at once and just move the smaller rocks instead. It may take more time, but the end result is still the same.
I will survive this, I will push on.
Fuck you failure, I will take no comfort in your arms.
It takes less effort to walk downhill than it does up. But the view from the top is far more beautiful.
I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I've had enough of wasting my time.
My fears have stopped me from doing too much in the past. Time to face a few of them.
I don't care if others think I've failed them, only that at the end of the day I'm happy.
Do or Die... Failure is not an option. It's success or nothing.
Wish me luck!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Eventually you and I will meet for a coffee and I will be able to say to you face to face what I say to you here and now: This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteFucking awful things will happen and you will feel shitty and then the wind shall change and things slowly will get better. And you will feel better.
I'm far far away, I send you a hug and another one. You are such a good person, your blog posts tell me that, so I feel sad when you are sad. I only wish you happiness.
ReplyDeleteFuck, we all have bad times, but take everything at look at it in isolation. Melbourne is scary as fuck, but yo are gonna make it happen, you are gonna make it work, because, that's the kinda guy you are.
Emotions, well if you didn't have those, then you would feel nothing, but you do. Which is the kinda guy you are.
Love, I know that's a hard one, so to speak, but I'm a lot older and I speak with that old head now when I tell you that sooner or later love will find it's way back into your heart. You will find someone, someone special, remember to keep on smiling, cuz you never know just who is falling in love with that smile. Anyway, I know, from your posts, you have a lot of love to give, it's the kinda guy you are.
Uni - well fuck knows about that, I loved and hated education at the best of times, in equal amounts! You'll get by, it's the kinda guy you are.
Home, home is where the heart is they say, which is true, you're home is coming soon, in Melbourne perhaps, so don't fret on that, not yet. I know you will a bit, but that's just because that's the kinda guy you are.
I wanna tell you a joke, to make you smile and laugh, but really that's not the point, it would be false, so I'll say that you are a wonderful person! Feel it, believe it and know it!
The future, that is yours, it belongs to you, don't cry yourself to sleep, the only thing that achieves is a soggy wet pillow!
Honey, in my experience, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and ya on ya own sweet knickers!
It's great to have a cry now and then, it lets feelings out, but stop it this second, of not before, because the world is at your finger tips, a bright future is yours for the taking, I know you'll smile, you'll be laughing as soon as you read this, because, yes that's the kinda guy you are.
If you are not, then I might just have to fly all the way over in my tea break and give you a bloody good kick up the arse!
Ahh your words of wisdom never cease to astound me. The idea of you jumping on a plane in your tea break is quite amusing.
ReplyDeleteI already managed to have a good laugh last night talking to one of my friends, he was going out of his way to cheer me up and failing dismally right up until he gave up and called me a fat bitch.
For some reason, I just burst out laughing... noone had ever called me fat before and probably never will again. Still it had me in stitches.