After what Dad put me through, I've always been a little scared of what would happen if ever I was put in charge of a child.
After all, my Dad fucked me over as his Dad fucked him over and so on and so forth. So chances are I've inherited the shitty father gene. It would seem even my younger bro is growing up to be just like Dad.
So anyways, I guess I've always just thought that's how it was done.
And then little Charli came into the world... I'm not 'clucky', but she made me realise that I really am nothing like my father and that how he did things wasn't really the 'norm'.
I made a promise to myself when I was quite young that I would break the cycle of abuse that is handed down to all the Males in my Dad's side of the family.
But anyway, I was shitting bricks about today. I've looked after Charli in the past but only for 30mins max.
But today was different, I had 5+ hours of alone time with her. (Well Casey was there, but she was doing training for her new work from home job, so she was locked away in her office for most of the day). In my mind I'd created all these weird and wonderful 'what if?' scenarios and how I would handle them.
But I did just fine, Charli and I had an absolute ball kicking back watching TV and making one another laugh.
After changing her nappy (now that was a test in itself!) -I've done aged care, but this was MUCH worse!, feeding her and putting her to sleep, I did something else I didn't think I'd ever do... I studied!
I was actually kinda shitty when one of Casey's friends called in to check up on how I was doing... She made me feel totally inadequate, like I was doing everything wrong. Sure, she's a child care worker... but that doesn't make her an expert. Fuck, I've studied shit loads of different courses, but I don't pretend that I know everything. (I actually thought Case had asked her to drop in just to make sure I was coping... Casey assured me this wasn't the case though!)
But once she left, things were awesome again. To tell you the truth, I was a little disappointed when Casey finished her training and went back into Mum mode again!
But it doesn't just stop there, there's all the little things that are said to me by Casey and her friends. Things like how awesome a Dad I would be and how much Charli loves it when I come to visit. -It just feels natural for once, I'm not the token gay of the group. I'm Casey's best friend with whom she trusts the life of her child!
Kinda makes me stop and think... perhaps the violence and abuse that plagued me growing up isn't normal and more so, maybe it is a choice that the men make to be pricks.
Either way, even though I may never have children of my own. I'm confident that the ideals of the patriarchs of my family will not be imposed by me on anyone.
I may not change the world, but this afternoon has given me the confidence that not all the men in my family turn out to be pricks!
And yes I realise that 5 hours of babysitting is extremely different to a life time of raising a child. But it's all I have to go on at the moment.
That's really great!
ReplyDeleteCan you intervene with your brother in some way to help him see that he's growing up to be like his dad and granddad, and that he should want to avoid putting his family through hell?
I'm doing my best to try, but I don't like my chances. My brother is already so set in his ways and doesn't see anything wrong with the way he treats people.
ReplyDeleteI haven't given up hope yet, he just needs to realise that flying off the handle isn't the best way to solve ones problems or to get your opinion across...