Lucky this thing is just typed words on a computer screen, otherwise I would have half a forest screwed up and strewn round my room right now.
I keep trying to write a blog about what's really grinding my gears right now -the fact that I can't cry in front of others and just how much it grates me at times.
But nothing comes out quite the way I want it to... kind of ironic really, I can't cry and I can't write about it either.
Stupid mind! I wish it were as easy as being born without tear ducts or some other freaky physical abnormality that prevented me from shedding tears. But I know that's not the case.
Fuck it, the words may never come... but the tears sure will.
Watching a musical recommended to me by a certain someone was proof of that.
I'm not even sure why this is pissing me off so much, perhaps its because I want to bare all so badly to break down my walls in one foul swoop and finally start letting people back in.
As my lecturer puts it, this would be an AH HA moment...
Not just because of the lack of tears and the reasons behind it. More something that she said in class yesterday.
I can't even write about it on here because I know how it will sound but words don't always convey the meaning we want to put across.
I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew the words to say...
But I don't, I guess that makes me human...
Maybe I should stop thinking so much and just do what feels right at the time...
Maybe this je ne sais quoi will come to me in time... maybe it's already here...
One things for sure though... I use the word maybe far too much! Maybe I should start using perhaps instead?
Now, bring on my inner calm already cause I'm a wee bit sick of this inner dialogue about my lack of tears!
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In the olden days there was a set of prayers for a votive Mass* in which the priest asked God for "the gift of tears." It got dropped when the Church revised the liturgy some 40+ years ago.
ReplyDeleteI suppose the gift of tears was supposed to be a sign of sorrow for sin. But as I've aged I've noticed that sometimes the tear ducts don't handle the production. Nothing to do with sadness. Most frequently this happens when I'm leaned back in the dentist's chair (kind of embarrassing, really), but right now there is a bit of moisture at the outer corner of my right eye. So if this were 100 years ago, maybe I'd think I had the gift of tears.
They say that heart attacks and strokes make men cry more readily, but I don't recommend that as a cure for you.
You must have strongly internalized the notion that "big boys don't cry." It sounds to me as if you are working your way through the problem.
Maybe you should try to say and write "perhaps." Although perhaps "maybe" is okay in informal speech. As are sentence fragments. Such as dependent clauses standing alone.
* votive Mass — a set of prayers and readings which can be used at the priest's option on a day when there is no required set. The votive Mass can be in honor of some aspect of the deity (i.e., the Trinity or the Holy Spirit), something about Jesus, in honor of a saint, or to ask for some benefit (such as peace or the conversion of sinners).
The gift of tears... an interesting notion considering my state of mind while a tear ran down my cheek in the wee hours of the morning...
ReplyDeleteBut there's not enough room in one short comment to write that, me thinks I need another entry to give it justice :)